


Beautiful Goodbye

by iexoeris



Category: EXO (Band)
Genre: Ambiguous/Open Ending, Breakup, Cold, Discovery, Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Fluff and Angst, Hope, Hurt/Comfort, Love, M/M, Moving On, Sad, Self-Acceptance, Self-Reflection, Slice of Life, Spring, Time - Freeform, happiness
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-05
Updated: 2019-04-05
Packaged: 2020-01-05 06:28:42
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,513
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18360500
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/iexoeris/pseuds/iexoeris
Summary: Based on Chen's song 'Beautiful Goodbye' and his album 'April and A Flower.'For Kim Minseok, spring had ended before it arrived. Jongdae just asked him for a month, since spring was still alive.





	Beautiful Goodbye

**Author's Note:**

> Okay, so ya'll, everything except the last part 'Flower' was written in one day on the same day of the of the song release after a lot of crying. It's a beautiful album and I've named the parts according to the tracks. I'm not that great of a writer and this is not even my trope but I tried. I hope you'll will join the 'woke society of readers' and comment down below! Also, if you liked it you may check out my twitter so that we can be friends - feather_aaliya. I hope that this story would prove to be worth your time. Thanks for checking it out.

 

###  _ Us. _

 

 

It was a small word; consisting of only two alphabets. And it was a one-syllable word. Jongdae liked the word - made up of two but sounded as one. It was on the top of his ‘romantic things’ list - just ‘us.’ Looking to his side at Kim Minseok; his companion, his lover, his ‘u’ to the ‘s’ sitting next to him under those two full trees that were intertwined in full bloom with the flowers: huge and pretty and the bark: moist and the soft breeze gently lifting up their bangs and making everything even more magical. It was the end of April; their one year anniversary and Jongdae couldn’t be happier because everything he wanted was next to him. 

 

In that moment, with spring in full swing, looking onto Minseok and the green, full grass around him, he didn’t see nature - he saw a canvas - a beautiful canvas on which he envisaged his beautiful future. Because Kim Jongdae was a man who appreciated beauty. He was a perfectionist of sorts - he wanted things beautiful. And so Minseok and he got along even more with their matching habits of cleanliness. It only made Jongdae even more satisfied, knowing that probably the most beautiful man in the world was his.

 

Their first anniversary. It was beautiful. 

  
  
  


 

###  _ April  _

  
  
  


It was Jongdae’s favourite month - not only because it was springtime and warm but because it was the month in which he met Minseok. Their beautiful meeting was exactly on the first of the month. It had been a beautiful and fun day - April Fool’s Day was always fun after all with his crazy friends. He was returning from Baekhyun’s house and he saw him; Minseok, standing underneath the streetlight, looking ethereal in the dusk light. Minseok had smiled at him - his eyes glimmering and the smile had been naughty. Jongdae hadn’t know back then, how he had fallen into Minseok’s web that second, like a pollen being attracted to a flower. He had only fallen deeper when Minseok had ran one hand through his hair and maybe it was the fact that he had drunk a little at Baekhyun’s or maybe it was the fact that they were young and the night was long or maybe it was the fact that they were both smiling at each other like that - like they know very much that they wouldn’t be able to walk past because they had both been hit by the arrows of the Cupid - it was mutual.

 

And so, Jongdae had walked up to Minseok, who had just tilted his head; coy. He was waiting for Jongdae to come. 

 

“So, I guess you’re lonely tonight,” Jongdae had said. He was bad at pick-up lines. Baekhyun made sure to remind him of that every day.

 

But that was okay. Minseok wasn’t better with words either.

 

He’d grabbed Jongdae’s hand, direct and fearless and said, “We match.”

 

It didn’t make a lot of correlation but to Jongdae, the two words were his consent to go to a cheap restaurant and buy fast food and go and eat it on some bench while laughing at people who were looking down at them. And then, they went to this fountain place - the one where there are hoses on the floor and lights and music - and unlike everyone, who was avoiding the water and just taking pictures, Jongdae grabbed Minseok, who pushed aside a girl taking a picture and ran into the center, dancing to the music playing. 

 

The look that Minseok had on his face - Jongdae would never forget - his eyes were  _ lit _ up with the lights and crinkling around the corners and his smile was wide and revealed a little bit of his shiny teeth and his nose was scrunched up slightly and his soft light-brown hair fell into his eyes as he was jumping and Jongdae didn’t know how but they were kissing soon.

 

Because the night wasn’t over and they were the youth.

 

  
  
  


###  _ Happiness _

 

  
  
  


Their relationship progressed quickly - they were boyfriends and after many months of happiness, they moved in together. It was full of smiles and laughter and jokes. Even if Jongdae was to think about this time, all he could remember was happiness. Pure happiness. Bliss.

 

Happiness was something strange to think about. People didn’t appreciate and value these small moments of happiness enough - just small moments where you don’t feel any pain or discomfort. Jongdae found these moments with Minseok. It was like Minseok was equal to happiness. But soon, their relationship progressed in a way where he started looking out for Minseok’s happiness too. Minseok’s mood became a big issue for Jongdae. He couldn’t be happy if Minseok wasn’t happy and that was where the comfort and the care came in. 

 

Soon, he started massaging Minseok’s back when he was tired.

 

_ “Does that feel good?” He’d asked, applying pressure on his back, hoping to relieve him of the pain. _

 

_ He couldn’t see Minseok’s face but he knew Minseok was smiling anyway, “Perfect.” _

 

And then, he started getting Minseok water everyday and he started asking about his diet and worrying about his whereabouts. He just wanted Minseok to be happy and healthy. It wasn’t long before Minseok started reciprocating his gestures. They were both curious about each other’s days. They were both worried about the physical, mental and emotional condition of each other. They cared.

 

And Jongdae knew it was love.

 

He let Minseok know this in the simplest way possible - on their second anniversary, while they were sitting next to each other, in the same place as they’d been sitting last year. Minseok had been listing things he liked - 

  
  


And Minseok had frowned and pushed him back, calling him an idiot before pulling him again, by the collar and kissing him harder and deeper before separating and saying, “Guess you’re biggest achievement in life would be knowing that I love you too.”

 

And Jongdae had grinned. They were in love.“Chocolate, Mint, You -” He’d been interrupted by Jongdae whining.

 

“Why do I come after chocolate and mint?” He’d been frowning like a baby - he knew that. Minseok had smiled and pushed at his shoulder.

 

“I didn’t say it was ordered.”

 

“Oh,” Jongdae said stupidly but then he started again, “But why did you think of chocolate and mint first?”

 

“Because I’m eating it,” Minseok replied.

 

And Jongdae - well, he had said, “If we weren’t here, you could eat me too and then maybe I’d be on the top of that list.”

 

And Minseok had snorted, “That reminds me of an important thing on that list,” He paused and smirked, “Sex.”

 

Jongdae shrugged, “It’s love-making for me.”

 

And Minseok had to do a double take, “Wait, what? Does that mean…?”

 

Jongdae had snorted this time and leaned in to kiss Minseok, full on the lips, “Yep, Kim Minseok, you’ve been granted with the privilege of having Kim Jongdae love you.”

  
  
  
  


_ But that was a long time ago.  _

  
  


###  Love Words

  
  


As the dark, cold days of winter wrapped around them, their youth, and their playfulness was buried by the dying season - as the tree beneath which they made their relationship shed its leaves, leaving bare wood to intertwine with each other - it was a major shift. And both of them realized. Something had changed.

 

The smiles on part of Minseok lessened, the everyday-caring habits he had for Jongdae decreased or rather the love in them was diminished. It was more of a routine and Jongdae felt that in Minseok’s tight-lipped smiles and lost eyes. Whenever, in the past, Jongdae would be talking, Minseok would be staring at him with those  _ lovely  _ eyes, with those emotional eyes as if Jongdae held his world in his hands. But now, it was gone. He didn’t - he couldn’t pay that much attention. His posture was the same - face in his hands. But his eyes… his eyes were distant, unfocused, blurry.

 

Jongdae had thought Minseok was sick because the thought of one of them falling out of love hadn’t crossed his mind but how could it when he was so much in love with the elder? And thinking back upon it, it was selfish of him to keep dragging Minseok along. But he was weak. A human, in love. They were the worst kinds of animals.

 

And so one day when the soft breeze was replaced by harsh, cold winds that rattled their windows, he went into Minseok’s room. He was doing some work. The sound of Jongdae sinking into his bedsheets brought him to the realization that someone was in his room. He looked at Jongdae and he smiled. His eyes didn’t move but his lips turned upwards - that was a smile right? But no, it wasn’t. And Jongdae’s chest panged at that moment. It hurt and the truth was only little further, hidden behind a bush, but he wasn’t keen on chasing it. 

 

Coward.

 

He put his hand on Minseok’s hand and comfort filled him - their cold hands on each other could probably warm up the winter but his own feelings weren’t enough to do that. So he asked him -

 

“What’s wrong?”

 

And Minseok knew what he meant - the tears in Jongdae’s eyes were crystal clear however Jongdae’s eyes were blurry and selective - it wasn’t clear to him. 

 

“I don’t know,” Minseok admitted. It was true. He wanted to pull his hair out - he was an idiot. Why was he not satisfied when the perfect man was his? Why didn’t he feel the way he used to?

 

And Jongdae’s eyes were blurry and his nose was slightly scrunched and Minseok felt guilt but in the past he would have felt much more - a desire to comfort - that was gone. He didn’t know how to behave around Jongdae - Jongdae who he swore he loved - had loved. 

 

_ He didn’t know. _

 

And Jongdae had looked up and smiled - it was weird, “I think it’s just the weather - it’s sad. Let’s hold on tight yeah?”

 

And Minseok had nodded and they had kissed and Jongdae had left him alone to do his work. Little things that showed he cared. And Minseok felt guilty and confused and lost, but Jongdae felt much more.

 

He was sitting at the dining table, crying. And crying. He wasn’t one to cry but he couldn’t do anything but cry. He had wanted to speak a lot more but it hadn’t worked - no words came out. The Minseok he knew had been interested in him too since the first second they met each other’s eyes but this time, it was different. He didn’t know how to act. He felt awkward. And he never felt awkward around Minseok - never. And it wrenched his heart and punched his soul and  _ killed _ him. It hurt. _ It hurt _ . It really, really hurt so bad. 

 

It wasn’t beautiful - his tears weren’t beautiful. The situation was something he didn’t dare have nightmares about but who needed nightmares when you were living a reality such as his? Jongdae went to bed that night, hoping that somehow, tomorrow Minseok would wake up, very much in love with him because Jongdae couldn’t forget. 

 

He loved Minseok too much.

 

The days went by - each day harder, blurry and emotionless - it seemed the cold had crept into their hearts. Suddenly, all warmth was gone. There was no love. And the love that there was symbolized pain and only pain. 

 

But even though it hurt, Jongdae tried his best.

 

“Here, I made your favourite dish!” He said, quite enthusiastically, to the point where it seemed fake, “And take that jug of water.”

 

Minseok smiled weakly and thanked him. 

 

And Jongdae smiled, like everything was fine. It wasn’t.

 

He should have expected worse - the worst scenario, so that it would hurt less. But he hadn’t so the day that Minseok had texted him - not even told him because their conversations were the definition of ‘awkward’ - that he was moving out. That was the day Jongdae had broken inside; shattered; understood how a flower without its petals felt. Because it was too real. It made him laugh - an empty laughter - as he realized that everything he had wanted to avoid was happening. 

 

In the past week, he had cleaned the whole house by himself so as to avoid making Minseok work hard, he had cooked, he had covered Minseok by his blanket, he had put him to sleep, sung for Minseok, done everything…

 

...for nothing. Because every day was a constant progression in the distance between them. Minseok was fading away and Jongdae couldn’t keep them both bounded for long.

 

That day he found himself crying at Baekhyun’s, taking in whatever comfort his best-friend could offer. It wasn’t a lot, considering Minseok took every little nook and crook in his heart. And suddenly, he was empty.

  
  


###  Let’s break up when April Ends

  
  
  


Winter passed but as he had hoped, Minseok didn’t return to him. And as the season turned into spring, Jongdae knew they had to talk. He was still in love. Minseok still wasn’t. And they were still in a relationship. 

 

It didn’t work out.

 

But Jongdae was a poetic man, a man who loved beauty, a man who appreciated spring, a man who liked patterns and he didn’t want something so beautiful, so treasured, so perfect to end… ugly. 

 

He called Minseok to the same place they spend their anniversaries at - it’s a long drive and a silent one, but music filled the silence between them and there they both were. The place was still dry and empty like their relationship but the two trees were still intertwined. So maybe, after all…

 

He couldn’t complete that sentence.

 

They sat on their usual spot and Jongdae began talking right away. He didn’t want to make it any more painful for both of them; one overcome in love and one in guilt. And Jongdae had tried for so long to ignore Minseok’s dying or dead feelings but he wasn’t that selfish. But there were some or many unsaid things between them that he wanted to say right then and so he did -

 

“I wish you had never smiled at me that day under the streetlights and ran your hand through your hair,” He paused and looked down, a bittersweet smile playing on his lips as the memory projected itself in his mind, clear as day. He was too emotionally vulnerable, “It wouldn’t have come to this.”

 

Minseok looked down. His eyes were emotionless and his lips were chapped and tightly shut but there was a slight breeze that lifted his bang; still beautiful. 

 

“I’m sorry,” Minseok said and Jongdae smiled again - every smile was full of pain and utter, complete pain. Minseok wished he’d stop. It was hurting him too. It was his fault. He turned a beautiful and alive person into this sad mess. 

 

“Today,” Jongdae started, “I brought us to here to talk… about our breakup.” They locked eyes and it’s the first time in a while that they’ve both looked at, felt and seen the same image and emotions while looking into each other’s eyes.

 

Minseok’s voice was small as he said, “I guess, it’s necessary.”

 

Jongdae wanted to argue and say, ‘What’s necessary is our love’ but it didn’t exist anymore, so he just nodded and said - he wanted to say, “Let’s walk out of here with no regrets and end up” but he couldn’t. Because, a month later - just one month later, it would be their third anniversary. And then Jongdae found himself speaking something he hadn’t planned at all to say - 

 

“Can you - can we continue this?” Minseok snapped towards him and Jongdae found himself continuing, “When April’s over, we’ll walk away as if nothing’s wrong. So that, our last goobye will be beautiful. Just… walk away like that.”

 

He wasn’t looking at Minseok but he knew that he was being looked at with a look of pity. But his dignity was gone and he continued -

 

“Could you just - please, smile a little longer until then?”

 

His words echoed into the empty death wood and his heart-rate seemed to escalate, blocking out every other sound. Sadness filled his soul and pity and hate rushed through his blood, pounding beneath his skin. That were the only emotions he felt. Other than those, he might as well would be as dead as the place he was in. 

 

“Okay,” 

 

Jongdae looked up and Minseok was looking at him, nodding sincerely. He repeated.

 

“Okay.”

  
  


###  I’ll be there

  
  
  


Minseok was going to move back in. He took in a few deep breaths before knocking on the door, which had once given him so much comfort - now it was all gone. He had no hatred towards Jongdae or the house - in fact the place was filled with happy memories but memories were as good as pictures and pictures could be photoshopped too; they could be fake. If the truth didn’t exist anymore then it’s a lie. Such was their relationship - non-existent but he had to give Jongdae this. He wasn’t doing this because of love or anything - but Jongdae was a nice person who’d accompanied Minseok in making many beautiful memories and it was only fair that Jongdae be given some beautiful memories to look back to too. 

 

And so he was there.

 

The door opened and Jongdae was smiling, prettily, brightly as if nothing was dead between them. Minseok showed him a great and happy smile too - he wasn’t acting. He was treating Jongdae like some old, good friend. And he could always act the romantic part. He didn’t think it was a good idea but he wasn’t the one hurting so much so he couldn’t possibly know. 

 

So he just did what Jongdae wanted. 

 

He kissed Jongdae on the cheek and they both entered the house. They spent the entire day unpacking Minseok’s stuff and making jokes. They were both careful to stay on common grounds. It was easy enough because they were once in love. So, with Minseok pretending and Jongdae pretending, the days went by smoothly. To anybody, it would seem they were young and in love. 

 

But they couldn’t possibly know how dead and old Jongdae’s heart was. While he was happy, there was always a cold, winter breeze in his heart that reminded him that he didn’t have enough time. And so he tried even harder. They did things they had never tried from picking flowers to swinging to ice-skating to going to amusement parks. And the constant activities helped them maintain a constant flow of conversation.

 

_ “Yah! Jongdae!” Minseok bounded towards him, hands pull of cotton-candy, “Did you know there’s a new ride here? Let’s try it out!” _

 

And Jongdae would allow himself to be pulled away by Minseok who was beautiful and ethereal with his eyes shining bright. And he’d smile. He was happy. 

 

And since, they were so active throughout the day, the night would be spent sleeping and snoring.

 

_ “Jongdae, move aside you idiot. Let me sleep.” Minseok said as he pushed Jongdae away from him. And Jongdae pouted. _

 

_ “But the bed’s small!” _

 

_ “So, sleep on your own bed.” Minseok said sternly but he’d allow Jongdae to come closer anyway since he was too tired to resist.  _

 

And they’d go on formal dates to proper, expensive restaurants. 

 

_ “Did you try that high-class wine?” Jongdae asked curiously and Minseok snorted, putting his glass of water down. _

 

_ “High-class? That’s what you call that?” _

 

_ And Jongdae pouted again, “Well, excuse me, not everybody is a mastermind in alcohol like you and not everybody earns a lot.” _

 

_ “You earn more than me.” Minseok pointed out, using his finger to bop Jongdae’s nose. _

 

_ “But it’s not a lot!” _

 

_ And Minseok shrugged, “Some people are just over-achievers.” _

 

_ “You’re saying it as an insult. It’s a good thing,” Jongdae brushed his coat, mockingly and Minseok laughed. And then they both just laughed.  _

 

And sometimes, they’d watch every movie ever.

 

_ “Jongdae, it’s 4 A.M. now, can we, please, go to sleep?” Minseok said, too tired and sleepy to open his eyes. _

 

_ Jongdae just shook his head, “Just one more.” _

 

_ And Minseok groaned loudly, “How can you expect somebody to watch movies all night long?” _

 

_ Jongdae gave him a look that Minseok was too tired to see and scooted over up to him and said, “Baekhyun can watch movies all night  _ and _ all day long.” _

 

_ Minseok pushed Jongdae away, “Baekhyun isn’t a human. I thought we established that.” _

 

_ Jongdae shrugged, “ _ Baekhyun _ established that.” _

 

And sometimes, they’d go to a park.

 

_ “That flower is really pretty,” Minseok said and Jongdae bent down and plucked it to give it to Minseok who smiled. _

 

_ And Jongdae, who knew they were running against the strings of time decided not to bite his words back and to say everything he wanted, so he did - _

 

_ “You’re prettier.” _

 

_ And Minseok smiled but it was awkward and they both knew the mood was ruined as it was everytime Jongdae confessed to Minseok. But he needed to. Awkwardness was welcomed as long as the truth went out. _

 

And just like that, it was the last day of April - their proper anniversary where they decided they really liked each other and would love to continue this relationship. The last day of April - the first time they went to the place.

 

This would be the third.

 

And there would never be a fourth.

  
  
  


###  Sorry Not Sorry

  
  


Jongdae wasn’t blind but in a situation like his, it was necessary to be selective. He only saw what Minseok wanted him to see and averted his head whenever something else was shown. So when, in the last week of April, Minseok’s stuff slowly started disappearing from their shelves, he turned a blind eye. And smiled. 

 

By the second last day, all that Minseok had of himself in Jongdae’s house was himself. 

 

And the last day, they both took their respective cars to their once-happy place - it was still dead. It seemed as if spring hadn’t arrived there.

 

“That’s weird,” Minseok commented.

 

Jongdae nodded and they set up their picnic spot and talked about casual things. But owing to the fact that it was their last meeting, they both went deeper and symbolized spring -

 

“The flowers bloom, you know.” Minseok said, “But it withers.”

 

Jongdae smiled tightly. That hurt. That single statement killed him inside. But he smiled.

 

“Spring is beautiful and I love it,” Jongdae said and it was Minseok’s time to smile awkwardly. They both knew what he meant. So they changed the topics and talked about their favourite things, like they had done years ago but this time Minseok’s list was different -

 

“Chocolate, Mint, Sex and Spring.” 

 

There was no you. No us. 

 

Jongdae didn’t make his list. And they talked and Minseok smiled and laughed when asked about his new job and it almost seemed things were okay and when it was time to go, Minseok reached up and pecked Jongdae’s lips.

 

“Thank you,” He said, smiling sweetly.

 

In that moment Jongdae couldn’t help his words, “Here,” He pointed towards the dead land, “There’s no spring but I hope you can find another place with a more beautiful spring and probably find chocolate, mint and sex.” Every word burned through his chest but he wasn’t going to cry and ruin this one-month set up, “But let’s remember this spring too, huh?”

 

Minseok smiled and it seemed there were tears in his eyes too and he got up -

  
  


“Thank you, Kim Jongdae.”

  
  


And Jongdae smiled and got up too and kissed Minseok -

  
  


“I love you, Kim Minseok.”

  
  


And a blossom fell from the tree above onto the ground between them.

  
  
  


###  Portrait of you

 

  
It was when they were walking to their respective cars. It was when Jongdae could see Minseok’s car in his back mirror. He averted his eyes. It was when he started the ignition and drove away that it started setting in. Slowly, painfully, slowly. 

 

Jongdae didn’t dare look back and ruin everything. His last memory of Minseok was beautiful and he wasn’t going to ruin it.

 

Wiping away the tears, he continued driving. His heart felt heavy and his chest was constricted. The empty silence was overwhelming and he didn’t provide himself the satisfaction on filling it with his loud sobs. He concluded that he was some sort of masochist. He should have known it will eventually hurt even more. Distance would have been better, forgetting would have been the best. But instead of that, memories played themselves in his head again and again. These memories were so detailed - he remembered every little thing. Every single thing that he couldn’t forget.

 

He reached home and when he was standing in the confines of his own house - so empty, silent, cold and dead - that it finally set in. 

 

Over.

 

Story over.

 

Spring was officially dead.

 

And he punched the table and kicked the sofa and cried and scratched the woods and he cried and he cried and he cried. He sobbed. Every sob wracked his frame and every tear was hot on his cold, cold heart and face. It was cold.

 

Spring was gone.

  
  
  


###  Flower

  
  


Jongdae’s steps flattened the growing, green grass. He was walking toward the two intertwined trees that he remembered. It had been a year since he had come to this place. It was one of his favourite places, of course. And that day was specially exquisite. The sky was vast, blue and bright, looking nothing like the grey, cold sky that Jongdae had been accustomed to and the sun shone softly and brightly, making up for its lack of presence for the past winter. Flowers were in bloom and the ones which weren’t were slowly regaining their petals.

 

Just like Jongdae.

 

The spring had made its way into his heart and now he can look back at memories - every memory - as something that had helped form himself into the person he was now. His heart didn’t clench while he was remembering everything that happened and he didn’t wish to change the past, because he was in a better place now. And it wouldn’t have been possible if life hadn’t gone its way.

 

Something in front of him caught his eye. It was a flower, with a rock pushed over it. He bent down and smiled.

 

“You’re struggling, right?” And he removed the rock and it seemed the flower gave a sigh of relief, “Sometimes you need help to remove something hurtful.”

 

He got back up. The air flew around him, lifting his shirt up a bit. It was strong and windy but he was stronger. He felt strong and free and great. He was in tune with the nature.

 

He walked to the trees - towards the seat that his old flame and he had occupied for the past three years. 

 

And he was surprised when he saw that it wasn’t empty for the fourth year. 

 

The occupant of the seat was very familiar. Single-lidded eyes, pretty lips, white face. The man had a blossom in his hands. He got up, smiled and handed the blossom to Jongdae and he said -

 

“Spring is alive and blooming.”

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you!
> 
> Please comment and join the 'Woke reader Society'
> 
> Twitter - feather_aaliya


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